high school diploma

high school equivalency (GED)

associates degree

bachelors degree

master’s degree

MBA/JD

Ph.D./MD/DMD

I go to the Vo-Tech, climb under a car, and sleep all day

Jay Truck Driving School

what’s edumacation?

Accidentally

Yahoo/Google

A friend told me

An enemy told me

You told me about your stupid page

I can smell your desperation from here

A scorching case of herpes led me here

God hates me

Blind hogs eventually find acorns

I want to ask you out. HA!

No, seriously, I really do want to ask you out

I don't want to go on a date with you, but I do want to buy you lots drinks and watch the train wreck develop

I’m putting in fake info to fuck with you

I’m horribly desperate for anything male, and you fit the bill

This is the final stage in a destructive spiral of self-loathing and despair

It's either this or jail time

This is helping me stop masturbating so much

I hate your fucking guts

You seem interesting

I think you’d be fun to get drunk with

I want to end up on “mikecloud.com” or in one of your future books

I feel strangely attracted to you

I hate myself

I’m one of those people who can’t divert their eyes from accident scenes, and you have that same effect on me

I think your caustic and sarcastic exterior belies a sweet and caring inner self

I want to give my VD to someone else before I die

No, really, I enjoy having guys use me and treat me like shit

I think you can help me jumpstart my career by putting me on MTV

Your caustic wit and ambitious verve

Your cute face and hot body

Your caustic wit and ambitious verve

Your constant use of foul, discourteous language

The way you show no regard for the feelings of others

The way your immense ego blocks out any real emotional depth

You make me laugh

Your single-minded obsession with all things Cloudy (Mike)

I like how you never use deodorant. Your pheromones are too sexy to cover up

I don’t like myself, and I'm hoping you'll treat me like a used-up stripper

Everything

Whenever

When you are available

Hey, we're on my schedule here, Date Boy

When your heart stops

As soon as I finish gnawing off my left leg

When I get over my herpes and pink eye

After I suck off a Great Dane

How about never? Is never good for you?

I’m not very attractive

I’m cute

I’m cute enough for you, assface

I’m hot

If you like morbidly obese, cross-eyed fat girls, you'll LOVE me

I’m a butter face

I’m a Chicago girl (it means you have a hot face and a fat ass...and don't email me pissed about this. You don't think that 80% of cute women in Chicago fit this description? Ask any guy you know living in Chicago. If he's honest, he'll tell you the same thing. I blame the long winters. Why work out if bikini weather is only 4 months?)

The kids at school used to call out “Baaaby Ruuth” when I would walk by

No, really, I don’t think you understand: I am UG-LY

I can read enough to answer this

I’m average

I’m smart enough to get your stupid jokes

I’m a fucking genius

I can bend things with my mind

I’m dumber than week-old bat shit

Who are you to question the intelligence of anyone else? Have you seen your webpage, idiot?

I like to use lots of exclamation points in my emails!!!! Yippee!!!

I’m about average

I’m pretty sane, but have some minor insecurities and peculiarities, just like everyone

I’m very emotionally stable

I am a rock

I’m loonier than a shit-house rat

I claw at my eyes, trying to get the demons out

The doctor says he can’t increase my prescriptions anymore or he’d get in trouble

Sometimes, the restraints chafe my wrists. Then the festering starts

Why do you ask?!? Do you know something!?!? Who have you been talking too?!?

They mostly come at night. Mostly

My beautiful eyes

My sharp wit

My compassionate nature

My incredible intelligence

My huge breasts

I have the ass of a 12 year-old girl

My cottage cheese thighs

My sphincter can break a beer bottle

My matted pubic hair

My charming autism

My colostomy bag

My willingness to use sex to get what I want

My perfect landing strip

Cheap flowers

Expensive champagne

Your A+ game

I like shiny things

A unquenchable libido

Astroglide

A shoehorn

Amniotic dysentery

A small, hairless Asian boy

Your enema bag collection

smile

drool

start jumping up and down yelling “UH, UH, UH”

pretend you’re not Mike Cloud Max

feign epilepsy

vomit uncontrollably

curse the anonymity of the Internet

run like a track star

run like a crack fiend

“Wow,Mike’s really lucky. I wish I was him.”

“Another tall, hot blonde with no self-esteem…I guess he’s getting laid tonight.”

“She’s the hottest thing since nuclear fusion.”

“Tonight’s forecast calls for scattered clothes, with a significant chance of intense, passionate humping.”

“My Lord--she smells like the fish market.”

“Well, she’s too ugly for him to date…$10 says he sleeps with her anyway.”

“I wouldn’t call her fat, but he’s gonna need the Jaws of Life to get out of this.”

“Oh shit…somebody call 911.”

“She’s just an expensive escort. I wonder how much money she cost him.”

“She’s just a cheap hooker. I wonder how much smack she cost him.”

“Should have been a blow job.”

“Her shade of lipstick looks like the color you’d find at the base of a penis.”

“Look at her...did she just get released from a methadone clinic?”

“Her face looks like it caught on fire and someone beat it out with a rake.”

Do your friends control your love life, you pussy?

Something that says “derelict frat boy,” like khakis, a button down and a ratty hat

Something that says “I’m a rich, arrogant lawyer”, like a navy Hugo Boss suit and Hermes tie

Something that says “I'm Euro-trash, but at least I look good,” like black Armani pants and a tight Zegna shirt

Something that says “I ain't got me no money,” like a burlap sack

Something that says “I’ve been on Cops,” like boxer shorts and a stained wife-beater

Something that says “ethnic,” like a dashiki and a fez

Something that says “I really don’t care”, like flip-flops, old jeans and logo t-shirt

Something that says “ghetto fabulous,” like a Fubu jersey and Karl Kani jeans

Something that says “retro Miami Vice,” like a peach colored polo shirt and white suit

Something that says “I shop at thrift stores,” like Dickie’s and a mechanic’s shirt

Something that says “1993 Jodeci video”, like a hot pink tank top and spandex shorts

Something that says “hip Militia Man”, like a Patagonia fleece over Kevlar body armor

Whatever you have that’s clean

Surprise me

Nothing at all

Go to dinner and a movie

Mock those less fortunate than us

Argue, yell and possibly even fight

Fuck. What else would we do?

Try to cripple children

Go to a gentlemen’s club and try and pick up a stripper

Get absolutely shit-housed, fucked-in-half, retarded drunk

Go to a gun range

Get absolutely shit-housed, fucked-in-half, retarded drunk and go to a gun range with a stripper we picked up at a gentlemen’s club (...my personal choice)

Felch each other (…decidedly not my choice)

All of the above

None of the above

Some strange combination of the above

Italian

Chinese

American

Southwestern

Vegan (yeah…have fun eating alone)

Light post-coital snack

Chick-fil-a

Who needs to eat if liquor is available?

I don’t eat--I’m a smack addict

Whatever we find in the dumpster

Nothing, I’m already too fat as it is

champagne

beer

liquor

fine malt liquor

wine

wine in a box

fine apple wine

whatever is cheapest

whatever we can steal from homeless people

whatever we can make in your bathtub

I prefer hard drugs, thank you

The smell of alcohol

A few beers

A few glasses of wine

A six-pack

A six-pack of Ripple

I can out drink a Wahoo

I can out drink an Irish Catholic

Ever heard of Motley Crue? I taught them how to party.

Me

You

Sex

Sex in public places

Butt sex

The sexual foibles of ex’s

The etiquette of group sex

What that slut at the next table is wearing

How our parents fucked us up beyond all repair

How much everyone around us sucks

The epistemological and metaphysical implications of superstring theory

The epistemological and metaphysical implications of us having sex

The Iron Chef

Whether or not Scooby Do is in fact a metaphor for hallucinogenic drug use

This web page

Flannery O’Connor’s use of symbolism

Herman Melville’s use of metaphor

Ron Jeremy’s use of irony

Lots of different things

“You have incredible eyes.”

“That is the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen.”

“You are a very cool person.”

“Are you gonna finish that? Cause if not...”

“You’re ugly, but you intrigue me.”

“If you didn’t have such fat legs, you could be a model.”

“You know, they can fix your cleft lip. Modern medicine has come a long way from the days of just throwing people like you in with the livestock.”

“Good lord…was anyone else hurt in the accident?”

“That tumor on your forehead really brings out the brown in your eyes.”

“That’s the same perfume they put on my grandmother at her wake.”

“Did you fart? You farted, didn’t you?”

“I’d club a baby seal to get a second date with you.”

“I had no idea a woman could have such a large ass paired with such small breasts.”

“Can I pee on you?”

“You don’t sweat much for a fattie.”

“You should be on TV. They use plain looking women too.”

respects me.”

worships me.”

deifies me.”

likes me more than a sharp stick in the eye."

treats me like shit.” (be honest…)

likes to hurt small animals.”

has spent a healthy amount of time in a maximum-security federal prison.”

is uglier than me.”

is uglier than Lyle Lovett.”

is dumber than me.”

is dumber than Dan Quayle.”

makes toy cars out of his poop.”

won’t make fun of my club foot.”

Have coffee and dessert

Run out on the bill

Go dancing

Go to hell

Have a long and meaningful conversation

Throw the dishes on the floor and fuck on the table

Go somewhere to be alone, but just cuddle

Point out each others shortcomings (my personal choice)

Groping and pawing

Why do I have to make all the decisions? I thought you were a fucking man!

Unpleasantly

An awkward silence

A noncommital hug

A sweet, tender kiss

Passionate, unbridled, hanging from the chandelier, sex

Us planning for another date

Me pouring my heart out to you while you record it to put on your website

Me cursing you abusively from the safety of my porch

Me calling the cops to get you out of my house

You throwing flaming bags of dog poop at my porch

A nonspecific burning sensation

One of us waking up in jail without our shoe laces